Saturday, June 16, 2012

Bring Me the Heart of Snow White

Or better yet, Charlize Theron in a slinky evil queen gown.  Rawr.

What do you do in a world dangerously lacking in meaning because you are overworked and it will be nine months before Game of Thrones season 2 comes out on Bluray?  Go see Snow White and the Huntsman.  At least, that's what I would have done, if I hadn't promised Mrs. Obscure that I would wait until she was in town so we could see it together.  Finally, last night, I got to see it.

The story goes like this: Thor finally returns to earth and Natalie Portman is dead.  In his grief, he becomes an alcoholic. (Is that even possible when drinking only mead?)  The evil queen (she made it impossible for me to pretend she was just misunderstood.  And I REALLY wanted to.  And I prefer brunettes.  Such is the power of Charlize.) promised Thor she would bring Natalie Portman back, if only he'd bring her that chick from Twilight.  The one who is not a good actress, but is very good at doing things with her face.  To be fair, I think she could be a good actress and I might like her in a role that didn't annoy the bejeebers out of me, but she is not ready for the demands that this role strived for.  (The plot writing also failed these high ideals, so she's not alone to blame.)  Any way, Thor goes into the super creepy hallucinogenic woods after the Twilight chick, who, even when she's dirty, now has a much better wardrobe than she used to have.  They meet a troll.  Possibly the most awesome troll ever.

Troll. I think I love you.  (Still not as much as Charlize, though.  But close.)

Thanks, Hollywood.  This scene wasn't in the movie, but it's the biggest pic of the troll I can find.
After not enough time with the troll, Thor and TC go on to spend time with the Iraqi marsh people before they meet the dwarves and the fairies.  Dwarves, you never fail me.  Eventually, there will be the apple and the kiss (oh, I didn't spoil it for you, did I?) and the big battle.  Surely no one doubted that Snow White could be made better if you added a big battle scene.

I love a chick in armor.  Especially if she is leading dwarves.  I tolerate TC in armor -- though I love her armor. 
Thor also thought she looked good, but he was still drunk: we know this because he referred to plate as "mail".

The wife liked this movie better than Mirror, Mirror.  While I prefer it in terms of tone and spectacle, it is not tighter or better written.  The narration at the beginning lagged and took too long -- they needed to find other ways to set it up.  The story has moments of great potential it never capitalizes on, and so it disappointed me as a story, which is what a film should be first and foremost.  However, sets, costumes, effects, and Charlize Theron demand that it be seen.  Because of subject matter, great visuals, and some creative versions of fairy creatures, it manages to pull off a B+

Payoff: if you are working or playing with faerie or the Raven Queen, then I'd say this a must see.  If you are working or playing with vampires, Snow White, the Shadow Plane, or dwarves, then this is a probably should see.  If you saw Prometheus and need more Charlize Theron? Must see.  Chris Hemsworth fans?  Probably see, but after Thor and The Avengers.  Kristen Stewart fans?  Seek help.  I will say this: she made a better Snow White than I thought she would.  But can't they afford to get black hair die for her?  And the little girl Snow White, too, who's hair was way too light.  Seriously, movie makers, if you don't know your subject material, at least listen to your own prologues.

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